Dugaan datang bergolek
Friday, February 25, 2005
Jus came back from visiting An at d hospital. Yes, he's back der again. d right side of his head had been swollen for some time n he couldn't take d pain anymore. n he didn't even tell me abt it. Not about the swollen head, not abt going 2 d hospital. he told me he'll be working n most prob OT most probably 4 a stretch of 2 days. he must be crazy or something. finally, he confessed dat he's warded at d hospital. dat wus yesterday. 2day, i got angry wif him again coz he lied to the doc abt wat he was going thru. d doc asked if he had been waking up suddenly in d midst of his sleep. he said no (wen he had been experiencing dat several times already)n d doc replied," ah..good good.luckily not" of course i got angry. n he had also not been faithfully taking his medicine.like some lil kid or senile old grandpa scared of medicine, he actually threw them away. Gave him d very sad n disppointed look just now n he has promised to tell d doc d truth tmr. i hope he does. I'm worried. its's hard to convince myself dat he's just having severe migraine n i know he's scared too but he doesn't want me to know coz he doesn't want me 2b worried.He's always been like dat. no matter how bleak some situations were, he'll always say," jangan takut k. if u trust me, don't be scared. everything will be ok." n he has often told me," biar orang susah, jangan u." but tell me now, how can i not worry, how can i not fear, wen the person i love n wish to spend me life with n d person who has given his selfless love to me n adina is now faced with these possibilites of illness n death.
dat day, he had a dream. it was d day of our nikah. but he was alone n he was wearing everything serba putih. all white. no samping no nothing. just all white.
n now,he lied to d doc coz he wants to get out fast n get back to work to continue saving for our planned marriage. He's been falling sick coz of his head thing quite often nowadays.
Kita merancang. Tuhan menentukan. i don't know if im fooling myself, but i'm quite sure,as long as i still have him by my side n adina's,everything will be ok.
Ya Allah, berikanlah hambaMu ini kekuatan iman untuk melalui segala dugaan yang Engkau lemparkan kepadaku. Sesungguhnya terasa diriku tak termampu untuk melalui segalanya. Tetapi Engkau maha mengetahui ...dan aku redha dengan qada dan qadarMu...
